get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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