Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
