we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
