His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
