Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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