I'm eating all of the evidence.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize