I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
