I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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