I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
