I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
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