If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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