if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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