Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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