I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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