That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
