community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She told me I should be a condom model.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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