You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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