Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
