I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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