that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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