I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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