i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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