If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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