Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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