when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize