Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
