I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
