I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
