Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize