I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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