I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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