Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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