she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
So. Much. Porn.
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