If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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