dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
