FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
