so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
did i just pee glitter
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
