got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
