My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
