I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
