I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
