i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize