sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
