My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Randomize
