I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
