I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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