What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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