I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
