Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
