Will you blow on my dice?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
