being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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