Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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