I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize