I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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