This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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