Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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