i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize