so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
