If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dear god my vagina.
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