Please, let me fuck your mom
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
