I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
