There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Randomize
