Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
