I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
