oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Operation Purity has been aborted
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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