And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
