Don't make out with my wife yet
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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